My Adventures with The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl
Raleigh Walter
I remember watching this movie as I sat on the old leather couches in my father’s room. It is a Friday night, and, being nine years old, this means I don’t retreat to my mother’s bed until 11. Till then, I’m up with my siblings, a twin brother and an older sister. I notice Tag has spilled rocky road on the seat, but he’s perfectly remedied the situation by folding a towel over the stain.
“That’s why Mom says to always put a towel down.” My father huffs, his knees creaking as he wipes the chocolate smear. My brother is crying through his Sharkboy Limited Edition! 3D Glasses and my sister laughs, the rocky road on his shirt now. My father sinks the DVD into the player and the producer intro plays Troublemaker Studios. The three of us pile up next to each other, the roughness of the towel itching the backs of our legs. My father climbs behind us, resting his back against the cushions. “Try and keep it in the bowl this time, kiddo.”
My brother nods, the chocolate surrounding the outside of his mouth.
Through my own pair of Lavagirl Limited Edition! 3D Glasses, everything is pink. It’s the first time I’m able to wear them, as my elder sister was always first to grab them. With my small victory, I sit, brain numbed as I listen to 13-year-old Taylor Lautner dance through the Land of Milk and Cookies, trying to sing Max, the useless boy protagonist, to sleep: Close your eyes, shut your mouth, dream a dream to get us out. Dream, dream, dream, dream.
In this essay, I will expound upon the many reasons that The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl is a cinematic pile of CGI trash. In addition to the aforementioned Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl, Robert Rodriguez is the director, screenwriter, and musical score producer for such classic films as Machete, Sin City, Desperado, El Mariachi, and the Spy Kids franchise. (There is and only will be three Spy Kids movies; the fourth—Spy Kids: All the Time in the World—was ass and it had a robot dog that pooped bombs and was just a little shit throughout the film, 0/5 stars). He is known for his special effects in his films, especially when it comes to Spy Kids. Although his films are adored by thousands of children who grew up in the 2000s, the majority of his films were box-office bombs.
The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl received a score of 19% on Rotten Tomatoes and a score of 3.5/10 on IMDb. Here’s a look into the reviews this film received:
Empire: “A bizarre, hopelessly muddled fantasy that’s likely to induce utter bewilderment in its target audience.” [1]
Rotten Tomatoes: “Sharkboy and Lava Girl have about as much appeal as a dogfish and a melting Barbie doll.”[2]
The New York Times: … “Mr. Rodriguez seems unsure what his film is really about, making the moral of the story—‘dream an unselfish dream’—feel more like a vaguely judgmental homily than a satisfying conclusion.”[3]
Fake Magazine Review: “Why was George Lopez cast in this movie? I’m pretty sure even this script would have been beneath him.”[4]
I used to imagine a fin had grown out of my back, out of the mole that itches and would later get stuck on the hooks of my training bras. I would stick my head underneath the water of our bathtub, pushing off the sides on the tips of my toes.
“You must keep moving to survive. Always go forward, never back. To live by instinct and instinct alone.” I found myself running up and down the halls, stone-faced, while flapping my twig arms as if I were swimming through the ocean, the pattering of my footsteps reminding me I was no fish.
I wanted to be Sharkboy, I craved his strength. I had already inherited shark teeth, canines that would constantly bite my inner lips. At nine years old, I was branded as sushi rather than a predator.
“Am I king of the ocean or what?”
“No, sorry.”
Expanding on my aforementioned critique, I will explain the many logical flaws found within this movie, a movie that means to provoke a sense of, “Whoa, nice one” but instead hits a chord of, “Was this even edited?”
Throughout the entirety of the film, we are given examples of Sharkboy and Lavagirl’s powers. One example is when the eponymous duo plus Max first arrives at Planet Drool and aims to stop one of the rides and free the children; both Sharkboy and Lavagirl fly up to the coaster’s tracks, yet we never are given another scene of the two flying.
This movie features a significant number of plot holes. Examples would include:
1. If Lavagirl burns everything she touches, why is she able to touch others and/or other objects without burning them to a crisp?[5]
2. How did Sharkboy and Lavagirl get to Earth in the first place? Did they come back from Planet Drool via the Tornadoes or did they come down in the spaceship that they couldn’t figure out how to use?[6]
3. When Max is running away from Linus and his goons who are trying to take away his dream journal, why doesn’t he run into his house since he lives across the street from school rather than to the playground?[7]
4. If Sharkboy has gills, why does Lavagirl say “He can only hold his breath for so long”?[8]
5. Why in the movie do they show the crystal heart in the shape of a heart, when in fact it is just a crystal shape?[9]
6. Why do they make Max absolutely pathetic? Why is this movie centered around Max at all? WHY IS MAX EVEN IN THIS MOVIE?
This movie remained in our movie cabinet since my father rented it at Blockbuster and forgot to return it. It stayed there till we were forced to move, only a small paper bag of DVDs was saved. I later searched the bag for the soy sauce stained cover, as my little sister, Amie, had never seen the movie before. She had been born three years after its debut and thus had grown up watching Room on the Broom, a children’s book turned cartoon voiced by Simon Pegg (known for his role in Shaun of the Dead.) I shuffled the DVD covers, the plastic cover of each sticking on to one another.
“Chicken Little, The Yellow Submarine, Return of the Jedi, Beauty and the Beast…”
My sister sat on the edge of the sofa, in nothing but her blue underpants with a small cupcake decal.
“It’s probably not there, guys,” my father said, flipping on the fireplace and watching my sister huddle towards its warmth.
“Is it in another bag?”
“That’s it. Sorry, kiddo. Maybe on-Demand it?” My father climbed behind us, resting his back against the cushions. I could feel my little sister lean on me, her hair hot to the touch.
I checked Prime, it cost $12.99 to buy the movie. It was not available for rental, at that time. I didn’t check again.
[1] William Thomas, who has two first names and an incisive man on bad movies.
[2] Susan Walker, a real-world person who actually took the time to write words about this film, who I would assume must have watched it once while huffing.
[3] Dana Stevens, the only person with not two first names. The unicorn amongst utter pig trash.
[4] Raleigh Walter, magafan since 2007
[5] I am neither sharkboy or lavagirl.
[6] I am neither strong nor speed.
[7] I liked playing alone.
[8] I liked being alone.
[9] But I’ve always been alone.