My World

cynthia jin

Ai Xuan once said, “Life is lonely; human beings, as insignificant creatures, exist in the vast expanse of this world, but we can still choose the way we exist, holding onto warmth and hope to confront the barrenness in our lives.” The venerable realist painter, while remarking on the purity of individual existence, points out our emotional dependence on certain elements in our life. The tenderness of love, and one’s reliance on another, as illustrated in his paintings, inspired me to explore the struts that hold up my own emotional world.

When my brother cries, what does the sudden outburst feel like from his perspective? When Dad stops eating and does his signature “Thinker” gesture during dinner, what thoughts are distracting him? When Grandma sits down by herself for hours in silence, what goes on beneath her peaceful visage? Does one’s inner emotional turbulence pacify with age? And is my sister really the impassive, studious kid that many see her as?

It didn’t take long for me to realize that they mainly consist of the bonds between my family and me. The complex components within my family have made our relationships, whether biological or not, indestructible. I desire to record down every moment, every ephemeral expression, that I see and perceive under the roof of where I call home. Through creating this portfolio of my family members, I was able to move from perception, to comprehension, to eventually unlocking the door to the emotional worlds of the subjects. I realized that my understanding of those I love and appreciate was in fact very limited. I was always absorbed in constant actions, that I hardly ever paused to pay attention to my surroundings.

 I immersed myself in various points of view, questioning the motive behind every minuscule dynamic and recording my comprehension through brushstrokes and colors. Each moment, whether the sweet, the salty, the bitter, or the sour, embodies endless charms that illuminated more aspects of my family life I failed to appreciate before. I was able to weave the subtle dynamics being carried out everyday between the five of us into a string of individual stories.